Mind Dump
by Hamstadini
Summary: Ongoing forays into the minds of characters. Newest vignette: mine.
1. Burn

Mind Dump By Nathan Yuen

Disclaimer: I don't own Neon Genesis Evangelion or its settings or characters. If I did, there would be a second season… and a third… and a fourth…

Note: What I'm trying to do here is to take whatever instantaneous thought is floating in my mind and trying to apply that thought to the mind of a character in the Evangelion series. Because of their nature, these "stories," if they could be called as such, will be short in the literal and the temporal sense (i.e. maybe half a page long and about a minute in the universe of Evangelion). At the top of the page will be the theme of the "thought." On most occasions, I will leave the name of the character (and the situation) at the end of the page, leaving you the reader to enjoy the wandering thoughts. Most of them should be easy to guess though.

Okay, without further ado…

Mind Dump: Burn

Why? Why did I refuse the Commander's touch? Why did I feel… pain when he touched me? It's as if my hand moved of its own volition, to save the body from harm.

I've never understood myself. There's a void in me, a void that makes me feel as if I'm made of straw. I thought I could fill it up by thinking of Commander Ikari. But it was not enough. I did not feel whole, in this spirit made of straw.

Until Shinji. He came in and started to burn away all the straw.

He lit the match that day in the apartment, when he apologized and looked away in shame. He was… ashamed. No one else had acted that way around me before. Everyone else hated me, wanted to use me, or did not care either way. But he cared enough, respected me enough, to look away. It made me feel… human.

Since then I've burned, smoldered whenever I looked at him. Whenever he cast a smile at me, I felt the heat of burning straw in my heart.

Then he said he was leaving forever. And the fire went out, died to ashes, suffocated by lack of oxygen. The cold that rushed in numbed me to my very essence. It was so numb that I did not care about anything when I picked up the N2 mine to destroy the fourteenth angel.

When I recovered enough to learn that Shinji came back and saved us all, I felt warm. The fire was back, reborn from ashes.

But now, she engulfs him, takes him in. She is going to take him away from us forever, us who need him the most.

Shinji, come back to me.

Help me burn away the straw.

(End)

Author's note: These are Rei's thoughts as she's walking down the corridor after Shinji was swallowed up by Eva unit 01. To be more accurate, These are Rei's thoughts expounded from manga volume 8, pages 38-40. If you think Rei's an emotionless background character/doll, check out the manga. She's really different, and you can see the sparks fly a lot more clearly than in the anime.

But yeah. You think I got her right? Wrong? Send me an e-mail or leave a review. I'm thinking about writing another one later on… so maybe you'll see me again, eh?


	2. Remiss

Disclaimer: See the first story. Please? I don't have any money! Hollywood lied to me when they said that they were going to use my funds to make a pro-Asian-American-male film!

Mind Dump: Re-miss

That idiot! Where is he? I TOLD him to meet me at the corner of fifth and main! I must've called him ten times over the past five minutes, and he still hasn't called me back! I bet he doesn't even know what day it is.

I don't even know why I bother to put up with him. Sure, he cooks a good meal and cleans up well, but he's like a little boy! Barging into the shower, looking up my skirt or down my dress, bowing and scraping and saying sorry – who would want a boyfriend like that?

_Sad, foolish, child. You want him and don't even know it._

Shut up. You're not the boss of me!

_Right. You would refuse your own heart, Little One? You want him so badly. It's the reason why you and Kaji never got together, you know. Anyone with half a neuron can see why you abuse him so badly; he has a hold on you that's stronger than bakelite. You demand breakfast and he whips it up in an instant, you order lunch and he has two prepared. Anyone else would tell you to jump off a cliff, and they would be glad to help you find one. But he hates to see people go without, and he sacrifices for you, even through all the insults. That's why you love him, and hate him for it. _

Ha! I can make my own lunches! The nutcase is just so eager to please that it's no skin off my back if he makes one for me as well as for himself!

_I'm not finished. The other "stooges" drool after you like a pin up model. They'd only get with you for that reason alone. But Shinji stammers and scrapes and refuses you even when you show him the goods –_

Hey! I just wanted to see him squirm!

­_because he sees you as a person, not some plaything. And you know why you're so disappointed when he says "no" to your offers? Because you're weaker than him, you need him, and it kills you to admit that fact._

SHUT UP! I'm not gonna admit to anything!

_You miss and re-miss him when he's not with you, and when he comes back dependable as ever, you beat him up for it. He deserves better than what you can offer, that's why Wondergirl sets you off so._

He isn't dependable –

_You know he'll always come back_

And I don't miss him! I don't miss anyone! I stand alone, the best, the strongest, the smartest, and Shinji can just stay in the background like the little boy he is. In fact, I'm sick of waiting for him at this freezing street corner! I'm going to go home, because he deserves to be stood up, and when he gets home, he deserves to be kicked in the –

"Asuka!"

That idiot! He WOULD show up just when I was going to ditch his butt.

_But you didn't really want to. Why would your heart skip that beat?_

Be quiet, before I go in there and punt you out.

Ka-THWACK! "You're LATE, idiot! Where were you, necking with the First!"

"Sorry. And no… I did a little research, and figured out today was your birthday, and got you well, this."

What's this? A long, narrow…jewelry case?

_Did I forget to mention that he's generous?_

Shut up. "What's this?"

"It's a tanzanite pendant, your birthstone. The kanji it's carved into is your name."

_You'd better thank him, before he faints from the stress of nervousness._

"I'd forgive you… if the necklace was made out of diamonds instead. You're still buying me and Hikari dinner because you were late! Come on!"

"Aw…"

_Poor, sad child… can see, yet still so blind_.

(End)

Note: This was Asuka. This was actually based on an event that actually happened to me (me being in the role of Asuka and thinking that I got stood up – but the girl I was dating made up for it in a big way. :-D) In any case, I never believed the case of Asuka liking Shinji on the conscious level, so I made up the internal struggle, italics being the voice of Asuka's passion, the regular text being the voice of Asuka's pride. I don't know if I did her personality justice… but I'm gonna review the series so that I can get her character down with more accuracy.


	3. Hope

Disclaimer: Please don't sue. I barely make enough money at RadioShack to support myself. What am I gonna do if you take my life savings as well?

Authors note: All right, I'll give you this one. After the fifth angel, Shinji's thoughts as he's lying in bed waiting for the power to come back on.

Mind Dump: Hope

Man, that fight took a lot of everybody. I'm beat, Misato's passed out, the country's power supply is wiped, and Rei's recovering in the hospital again…

Rei…

Argh! Why do I think of her at weird moments like this? I shouldn't be concerned with her well being, or whether she has any friends, or what's going on between her and my father. But I am.

I was frightened when I first saw her on the hospital gurney, half-covered in bandages yet still crawling toward the EVA in order to do the commander's bidding. I couldn't imagine being so loyal to anyone to go out half-dead to fight a monster like that. I remember catching her in my arms as she tumbled from the gurney and marveling at how she felt so light in my arms as I held her.

I remember feeling… protective… and wanting to fight so that she wouldn't have to.

After the last angel, as her EVA collapsed under the duress, I remembered her words "I'll protect you,"said after we were gearing up for battle. I was astounded that she would go so far to keep her word.

I remember panicking, but it wasn't panic for myself – it was for her safety. I knew what it was like to be in boiling LCL, and no one else should have to go through it. I remember searing pain as I tried opening that plug, and now I have the burns on my palms to match that pain.

Well father, I guess you and I have something in common now.

I don't ever recall smiling before I came to Tokyo-3, but when I'm in Rei's company I smile so much my jaw aches. I tell her, "Don't say goodbye, it's just too sad," but I've gone against that myself, saying goodbye to Misato, to Uncles and Aunts, to Mother…

Why? Why do I tell her to hope when I have no hope myself?

I guess it's because when I look at her, I see someone with no direction and nothing to hope for. I had the benefit of having a family for part of my life, but she has had only my father. I gained Toji and Kensuke as friends during my time here, yet Rei hasn't had any friends all her life. Her only care is piloting EVA.

In that sense then she's even worse off than me. She thinks she has nothing to live for and she only lives for the present, not the future. And that's just too sad… I want to give her hope, something to hold on to. I want to show her that after EVA, there is a life that she can turn to. That's why I'm always happy around her, trying to look on the positive side. I want to show that there is much to live for.

I hope for her.

(End)

Author's note: I think I'm starting to become a Shinji/Rei fan. It's just so easy to picture the chemistry between the two… but I'm going to try to write an Asuka/Shinji piece too one of these days! This was actually the first piece that I wrote for "Mind Dump," but it felt kinda inappropriate to put it first… I don't know why. This vignette still seems elementary, but I'll fix it up one of these days.

The next one is probably going to be a little more abstract… hope you stick around to see it.


	4. Obey

Disclaimer: I don't own any of Evangelion. Maybe if I had bought stocks in it sooner…

Author's note: Thanks Ender0656 for being the first to review my vignette series! And Critic, wherever you are, whoever you are, you can go rot. People, please leave constructive criticisms whenever possible. It makes the author happy and it makes the story better.

And now, without further ado…

Mind Dump: Obey

We lie in the bed together, our bodies entwined like lovers in the dark. He rolls over and regards me, his gaze dull from exhaustion and depression. His fingers caress my body, questing. He asks me to sing for him, and wordlessly I obey.

He is as loyal to me as I am to him. He takes me everywhere he can, except in the EVA where I cannot go. I understand it's for my own well-being, and so I wait for him to emerge.

Only I see him in this state. He will never let anyone come between us– only I can sing to him. Only I obey him unquestionably. I am there when he is sad, depressed, lost. I am there when he needs to be somewhere else.

He asks me, and I sing. I sing of far-off lands, of worlds beyond human imagination, of people never seen or touched yet people all the same. And he dives into the song, entangles himself in it, so that he flees his existence.

So lost he is in the song, that he forgets his own painful world.

He thinks that when I sing for him, he is happy. That is false. I know that when I sing for him, his body trembles with grief. When I sing, I cut into his soul, slice off a part of him off each time. And yet I cannot help but obey when he asks me to play for him.

It is the same two sad songs that he asks me to sing. I do not know why he asks for these songs out of all out of all of them. Yet he commands me, and I obey.

I have nothing else.

(End)

Author's note: I'm not going to tease you. This is Shinji and his SDAT player, from the SDAT player's point of view. I've had this idea in my mind from the beginning… and when I tried to write it down, I couldn't. So, I've struggled to get out the "relationship" between Shinji and his SDAT player, and I still don't think I did it justice. So, leave some constructive reviews please and suggest what I can do to clean this mess up!


	5. Cold

Disclaimer: No, still don't own it. I'm perfectly happy to let Yoshiyuki Sadamoto have the reins to the series, though… He seems to have it pretty fleshed out in the manga.

Author's Note: Thanks, Andy, for your effusive comments on my works. :-D these are experimental pieces, so it's great to hear that I'm heading in the right direction, at least by someone who knows what he's talking about! I must stress however that the analogy of "straw" isn't mine. It's in the manga, so any credit must go to Mr. Sadamoto. (Please Gainax, please don't sue me!) The BURN was my idea. I take full credit for that. :-D

Mind Dump: Cold

It used to be cold in the apartment. It was also dark, but it was just as cold when it was light. The cold of the last night on earth followed me everywhere – when I was asleep, when I was awake, when I was alone or when I was with other people.

Once upon a time, I tried to fight the cold. I fought it by being with him, the one who also felt the cold of the world. I thought I was in love with him, once. That thought warmed me like no other.

But he couldn't fight the cold reality. He couldn't be happy around me, or love me the way I loved him. So we left each other, and again… it was just me. In the cold.

So I turned to something else. Something reliable. Drinking. It would be for only a short while, of course, but it chased the cold away. And that was good enough for me.

I found NERV a little while later. I signed up immediately, and the warmth returned again. But it wasn't the warmth of love, or the warmth of carefree drunkenness. It was the warmth of hate – hate for those that forced that cold dark day on me.

It wasn't enough. The days went on, and the Angels showed no sign of appearing. The warmth of hate that fueled my heart died to embers, and I had no idea when I was going to have the opportunity of revenge.

That was when I found Pen-Pen. An odd roommate, but he shared the loneliness that I felt. And then it wasn't as cold in the apartment anymore. Though he rarely made any noise, his company was enough for warmth.

Shinji followed, and then Asuka. They brought noise and light and life along with their ever-present warmth. And for some reason, as they bickered and fought and laughed and cried together, I felt like I was living again for the first time.

Because I didn't just feel warmth on me, on my skin, I felt warmth _in_ me, in my soul.

And as I look on this, on all of us together living… I wonder how long the warmth will stay…. because I know the cold is waiting just outside…

(END)

Author's note: This is Misato. I think this is the way she thinks… witnessing her father's death in Antarctica would have a pretty profound impact on her. I think I even took some parts out of the manga volume 8 (especially the ones about her and Kaji in the darkness)… I'm not sure because I don't actually have volume 8 at the moment. Anyways, got tons more to write. I'm on a roll during spring break!


	6. Weak

Disclaimer: Don't own the anime, or the manga. Wish I did, just like I wish I could be Steven King or Gene Roddenberry in terms of creative genius… 

Author's note: Thanks Vic for all your comments on my stories! I'm glad someone found "Obey" to be original! Brings tears to my eyes… But yeah, I'm going to have some more vignettes out that hopefully are just as original later on in the term.

Mind Dump: Weak

Weak.

That's what I was when she first found me. What's more, I had no idea how weak I was - a grinning, obstinate fool who was practically swimming in his own ignorance. Through her, though, I found out about an organization that would help me find strength, and show me how weak I truly was.

But even as I joined forces with her, the stronger of us, I was still weak. Still vulnerable as a meek, purring kitten. There were only so many ways to strike out and kill my soul, kill me.

It was because I was happy.

Happiness is a weakness in itself. Everyone tries to gain it, a few obtain it, and even then it is only for a little while. Because many conditions are reliant on happiness – a full stomach, a full wallet, a loved one. If one of those conditions changes… happiness is lost, leaving the person broken and searching for more.

Therefore, it is a weakness.

That was why I refused to feel any emotion, any sadness or grief, on the day that I lost her. I swore to myself that I would no longer be dependant on anyone or anything.

Instead, I will be dependable. I will be strong.

I will teach Shinji the same. To be strong. To not rely on me, or anyone around him. I will be strong for him, too. I will be strong for Tokyo, for the world.

For you, Yui, I will be strong. And I will see you again.

(End)

Author's Note: Ahh, Gendo. What an enigma he is. Most people regard him as the bastard king, but most of us would like to be him given half the chance. And I think most people would agree with the only advice he gave to Shinji as a parent in volume 5, page 74: _"People live only by their own strength. They only grow by their own strength. Only infants need parents… and you are no longer an infant. Stand on your own two feet, and walk. I learned to do the same."_ So, I think he would consider happiness to be a weakness… and that was the basis for this version of mind dump.


	7. Mine

Disclaimer: Don't sue! I'm a writer! (And a rather poor one at that… where's the money in fanfiction?

…what do you mean there isn't any?)

Author's Note: Thanks everyone for leaving a ton of reviews, but if I replied to each and every review that I got, these notes would be longer than the story…

Mind Dump: Mine

Mine. He always has been, always is, and always will be mine.

He was mine when I sheltered him from the onslaught of the Angel as he stood outside, mind still unable to comprehend the world that he was thrust into.

He only called out to me, when he was screaming in pain during his first battle. And I alone fought for him, destroying the enemy before it could get to him.

Time after time, I have shielded him from the harshness that is the world, so that he may be able to live. But he needs me in order to protect the future. I in turn need him because I know that he will not leave me alone in this darkness and this quiet.

I have been with him since the beginning. I will fight for him until the end. I do not mind if anyone borrows him for a little season. Because I know, in the end, he will always return to me.

He has to come back to me if humanity is going to live. I will only serve and only protect him. Gendo knows this, so he will obey and make sure I'm happy with the arrangements.

You will always be mine, Shinji… body and soul…

(END)

Author's note: This is Yui. Not the true Yui, mind you… this is the psychotic persona that is identifiable via an all-encompassing plugsuit (hey, YOU try being trapped in a gigantic EVA for ten-odd years… see how your mental processes come out.) The inspiration for this ficlet was the picture of row upon row of screens that activated featuring Shinji's face while the battle with the Angel of Might raged just outside.

On another note, I've noticed that my entries for this series are getting progressively shorter. So I'm going to be sending it into hiatus and maybe edit it occasionally. I'll still be on, but I'm going to be focusing on some more serious stuff. If anybody wants to preread , drop me a line. Maybe I'll send something your way.


End file.
